i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
