Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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