my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
