the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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