My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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