I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
