your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
