It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
