never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
