y did u give ur computer a hand job?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
