I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
