I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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