I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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