the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
