wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
