i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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