I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
