i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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