I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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