new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
