I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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