so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
