Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
