I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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