She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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