This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Green mimosas i think yes
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
