Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
