Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've blown a few things in my day
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
