Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
