Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
