just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.