the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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