We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
