Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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