the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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