I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
