WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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