My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
