if you like me you must not know who I am
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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