I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
