i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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