Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.