Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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