the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
