i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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