We're facebook friends in real life
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
