Don't make out with my wife yet
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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