I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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