Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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