someone threw a dead crab at me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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