theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
