I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
