I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
