I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
