did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
