He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
two words...techno handjob
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Maybe he injected his testicle?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
