I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
