my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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