Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
