How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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