There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
