I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
